All in favor, the eyes have it.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Water Head boy and Golf
Here is the water headed boy that helped everyone across the desert and the golfer that doesn't kno his ass from a hole in the ground.
Savior Rising n a Whale
OK, caution Saviour rising, like the labels on the minivans with Baby on Board. And I said to dig a Well, not a whale.
Taxi-dermy & Ms. Parenthases
Here is my rendereing of Taxi-dermy where the taxi is stuffed and mounted on the wall and Ms. Parenthases slipped into a comma. C'mon, this is good stuff. Work with me.My second pass at a cartoon
Come on now, Ballet parking? And eating the study guide to pass the test? Isn't this funny? Who can draw and make this look right?My Cartoons, the first pass
I need a cartoonist who can draw my creations for me. I need it CHEAP. Let's partner up if there is any chance we could make some money.
But first I need to know if any of these are funny. I need some feed back. Please let me kno if any of this is worth pursuing. You have my future and my ego in ur hands.
Please slather up with lotion and be gentle.
Oh come on, hungry enough to eat a horse? And the right lane ends? That's funny isn't it?
But first I need to know if any of these are funny. I need some feed back. Please let me kno if any of this is worth pursuing. You have my future and my ego in ur hands.
Please slather up with lotion and be gentle.
Oh come on, hungry enough to eat a horse? And the right lane ends? That's funny isn't it?
Saturday, January 10, 2009
What is it you don't understand?
What is it you don't understand? Should I dumb down the answer for you just a little? Would you like me to put my stuff in a coloring book so you can disregard common sense, scrawl all over the information and draw outside the lines? What colors would you need... red and black? Everything is anger and hatred.... SO THERE! Your world is black with red pain oozing from the open wounds and the SCREAMING...... oh god the incessant SCREAMING...
Then let me scream a little LOUDER.....
Would you like me to write it in braille so you can pound your forehead against the screen and read the words in the PAIN IN YOUR HEAD?
Would you like me to bend the answer onto the head of a branding iron so you can heat it to RED, a color you know well, and sear the answer onto the flesh of your ass, which is where most of your BRAINS are STORED?
Would you like me ferment the answer in my still until it is 200 proof and when you drink it the only brain cells left in your ass will be the ones that SPELL OUT THE ANSWER?
Then let me scream a little LOUDER.....
Would you like me to write it in braille so you can pound your forehead against the screen and read the words in the PAIN IN YOUR HEAD?
Would you like me to bend the answer onto the head of a branding iron so you can heat it to RED, a color you know well, and sear the answer onto the flesh of your ass, which is where most of your BRAINS are STORED?
Would you like me ferment the answer in my still until it is 200 proof and when you drink it the only brain cells left in your ass will be the ones that SPELL OUT THE ANSWER?
Would that help? I DOUBT IT!
But please feel free to ask me any questions. I am always open and ready with answers.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Faith and Belief
A Good Friend once told me "Optimism is never empty,..It is always loaded with hopes and possibilities, and when there are possibilities,everything is possible....Have Faith in God and in yourself...and everything will be fine". I tend to disagree, and here is why......
I have seen empty optimism and it is worse than pointless in that it can be destructive. Hopes and possibilities are intangibles, just like wishes and dreams; and they too can be destructive if that is all we have. And I think that it is BELIEF in God, not Faith. Faith is something he expects us to have and it is an Action Verb; it is something we DO! I will argue this point with anyone. If we have faith, then we have committment and a vision and nothing will stand in our way. It may be your Belief in God that gives you the Faith but you are the instrument of Faith! Faith is not believing that God will smite your enemies. Faith is smiting your enemies because of your belief.
Too many people say they have faith and then they sit on their thumbs waiting on God to deliver. We shouldn't get lost in our dreams, we have to wake up and live in our Faith. And Faith and Belief are two separate things and we should never confuse the two.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Mother
There was one time in a Shanghai prison when I had a much more intense, existential and emotionally draining experience then these last three weeks have proven to be...... but that's another story for another time; there may be kids listening.
For some this is an update for the rest this is an announcement; this is about my Mother.
For those of you that know me well.... Insane, bizarre, arrogant, opinionated, condescending, rude, the life of the party, preacher and eternal optimist.... I have been humbled.
My Mother is stubborn to a fault (good genes). She is also insanely physically fit for an 85 year old woman (some genes skip a generation). Last Monday evening, in a fit of lucidity, she made the decision that she did not want to live life as a stoke victim. She chose to die her way and we thought last night was the night.
We were mistaken.
Altho her mind decided early on to go peacefully, her body refused to comply. This is a warning to all of you health freaks! I intend to die younger and much quicker. I spent last night in the hospital with her, fully expecting it to be her last. I do not wish that experience on my much hated enemies; and you know who you are. I have never felt such intense helplessness in my life. I am glad that I have only had two parents, I could not face that again.
She has now been moved to a Hospice facility in Auburn. That is a good thing. As Martha pointed out, Auburn is where all the Saints go when they die (War Eagle). She is now on the doorstep and will have a short journey. The Angels are smiling!
To all that she knew and loved as family, and that includes Tony, Belar, Salvo, Bill and Saconda, you know that she loves you. Even if she was too freaking stubborn to show it (hmm, small self examination here). And steadfastly refused any offer of help, because that extended to Denny and me also. To the rest of you that know her only through me, she is so ashamed and offers her sincere apologies. She swears we (Denny and me) are not her fault or responsibility! Job (from the Old Testament) once sent her a condolence card and expressed his sincere remorse over the way God had treated her.
She is now in Bethany House in Auburn, in a coma. She could die tomorrow or next week, it is impossible to say. Her services will be at Perry Funeral Home in Centre, Alabama with burial in the Cherokee Memory Gardens in a Mausoleum that she already purchased. She will not be filed under the "T"'s for Tidmore but under the "M"'s for Mother.
I will let you know when that happens. I am sure this is a little too humorous for some of you; I understand. There once was a time when she did not want Denny and me to visit her at the same time. She could only take us in small doses and as separate medicines. However, I refer back to Monday night, during her lucid time, when along with telling us how much she loved us and telling us to tell everyone else that she loves them too, that she uttered her most profound statement in a while. "You both know that we have always loved each other very much; it just didn't always look that way".
I just wanted to let you know about the passing of a wonderful lady that just happened to be my Mother. I will update you when her body decides to follow.
For some this is an update for the rest this is an announcement; this is about my Mother.
For those of you that know me well.... Insane, bizarre, arrogant, opinionated, condescending, rude, the life of the party, preacher and eternal optimist.... I have been humbled.
My Mother is stubborn to a fault (good genes). She is also insanely physically fit for an 85 year old woman (some genes skip a generation). Last Monday evening, in a fit of lucidity, she made the decision that she did not want to live life as a stoke victim. She chose to die her way and we thought last night was the night.
We were mistaken.
Altho her mind decided early on to go peacefully, her body refused to comply. This is a warning to all of you health freaks! I intend to die younger and much quicker. I spent last night in the hospital with her, fully expecting it to be her last. I do not wish that experience on my much hated enemies; and you know who you are. I have never felt such intense helplessness in my life. I am glad that I have only had two parents, I could not face that again.
She has now been moved to a Hospice facility in Auburn. That is a good thing. As Martha pointed out, Auburn is where all the Saints go when they die (War Eagle). She is now on the doorstep and will have a short journey. The Angels are smiling!
To all that she knew and loved as family, and that includes Tony, Belar, Salvo, Bill and Saconda, you know that she loves you. Even if she was too freaking stubborn to show it (hmm, small self examination here). And steadfastly refused any offer of help, because that extended to Denny and me also. To the rest of you that know her only through me, she is so ashamed and offers her sincere apologies. She swears we (Denny and me) are not her fault or responsibility! Job (from the Old Testament) once sent her a condolence card and expressed his sincere remorse over the way God had treated her.
She is now in Bethany House in Auburn, in a coma. She could die tomorrow or next week, it is impossible to say. Her services will be at Perry Funeral Home in Centre, Alabama with burial in the Cherokee Memory Gardens in a Mausoleum that she already purchased. She will not be filed under the "T"'s for Tidmore but under the "M"'s for Mother.
I will let you know when that happens. I am sure this is a little too humorous for some of you; I understand. There once was a time when she did not want Denny and me to visit her at the same time. She could only take us in small doses and as separate medicines. However, I refer back to Monday night, during her lucid time, when along with telling us how much she loved us and telling us to tell everyone else that she loves them too, that she uttered her most profound statement in a while. "You both know that we have always loved each other very much; it just didn't always look that way".
I just wanted to let you know about the passing of a wonderful lady that just happened to be my Mother. I will update you when her body decides to follow.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Vicariousness
Vicarious is an interesting word. You'd be one sad SOB if you had to live your life thru me. But I can't complain; it is forbidden and pointless..... But when you live embedded in pointlessness, maybe that is the point. And it is the complaining that proves the theorem. I bitch, therefore I am.
Am I the only person afraid of the Internet?
Am I the only person alive that is very afraid of this thing called the Internet? Am I the only one that fears having this much power in the hands of every person? This is too much like an NRA wet dream; mass distribution of weapons of mass destruction. Ultimate salvation via the threat of mutually assured destruction.What’s that you say? “Get off your rag old man and join the 21st Century. We have given a voice to the masses! Can’t you hear the harmony?” Sure, I hear the sounds. Instant access to information; the crack of the new millennia. But it’s far from art. If Mozart wiped his ass with a blank sheet of music scoring paper would we gather the orchestra and attempt to play it? What I hear is every mindless drone beating his drum and blowing his horn; each sounding louder than the other.
It is as if we find our expression in the suffocation of others. All of the pix, audio and video that is posted showing the frailties and fallibles of others; streaming out at DWDM speed available for the prurient interest of the voyeurs bent on watching snuff films that cater to the character assassination crowd. It’s death as surely as the loss of brain wave activity. Only it’s comedy since it happens to someone else. There is no tragedy outside of our personal experience.
Whatever happened to common sense? To mercy? To understanding? It isn’t like the internet has created this “dog eat dog” mentality; it has simply given it a voice. And the railings against corporate America where their shortcomings are captured and streamed out for all to see? This is good when consumer protection is at the heart. But we already know that corporations only exist to make money. What happens when they tire of the game; like paying more for workers in America? When they say “screw you” and move the corporate offices to Kazakhstan?
Where is the sense of personal responsibility in all of this? Where is the morality and the desire to build a better and stronger civilization? Oh yeah, it’s in the hands of Religion and the Government; where it belongs. They each are constantly at war with their enemies attempting to prove their truth through annihilation. Telling us what to think and feel; and doling out prizes to those that want to play. Put the ring in my nose and tie me to the ass of the cow in front of me. Hear the bellowing? Is that harmony?
Is there anybody out there?
A friend once asked me if he was the only person that thought Pluto should be a Planet.It is not just you. Supercilious and Sanctimonious come to mind. I think that we should come up with our own definition for "Pompous Ass" and see how many scientists fit the bill. How many scientists does it take to screw up a meaningless part of our universe? Apparently a shit-load.
And the simple question makes me wonder what the rest of the universe thinks; or if anything else in the universe actually thinks. This is not a discussion of is there other beings, creatures or entities in the universe; I don't see how there can't be. But is needing and using a brain to store and process information (i.e. thinking) indigenous only to our planet? Are there other expressions of knowing and understanding, far superior to thinking, utilized by creatures far more sapient than ourselves? Or, do the other entities understand on a level above sapient that we can not conceive?
Maybe we have been visited by aliens but they have not found a viable means of communication. Short of using a cosmic cattle prod to goad us in the right direction.
And if they can comprehend the things that we find to be important, would they be amused at the amount of effort we spend classifying a capacious pebble that circles ol' Sol? Or do we seem "a pest"?
Seems that we have oodles of evolving left in front of us. I wonder if humor is transcendent?
I certainly hope so. If there is someone in charge of all this, they better be laughing.
A Wise Man
No one has ever confused me with a wise man. Well that’s not entirely true. When I was a Southern Baptist Preacher people always got confused. That’s a good thing. Every good Preacher wants to cause a little confusion and consternation. If no one’s confused, then no one’s listening. But they’ll keep coming back; the fear of hell is a wonderful way to fill the pews. But it scared me to realize people accepted whatever I said as the “word of God”. I am not God and am not delusional enough to think so (with all apologies to Jim Carey & George Burns). People would come up to me after a service and tell me they didn’t know that was what the Bible meant. I told them that’s how I see it based on where I am in my spiritual growth. You need to go home and think about it and decide if it was right for you. They always had the funniest expressions on their faces. There’s that darn confusion again. I felt that they came to church to be told how it is; not to think about it. What good is church if you have to think? Isn’t it outlawed in many congregations?
As a ministerial student I met with my counselor (who just happened to be the Chaplain for the college) to discuss some concerns. How I was supposed to preach the truth to a congregation when I wasn’t sure what it was myself. He told me that we were on one big happy journey seeking God; that I had to share new truths with my flock that jived with what they were able to understand. This would keep from shaking them off their spiritual foundation. But that I should sprinkle in a few new ideas to help them grow; and would only make them a little wobbly.
I told him I understood but had one burning question; what if I was wrong? What if when I stood before the Pearly Gates Saint Peter told me that not only was I going to Hell but I was taking about 150 people with me (I like having company)?
I must’ve confused him because he had the same funny expression on his face as my congregations. I appreciated him telling me he didn’t have a good answer for that one; that thought hadn’t crossed his mind. He tried to console me with we are all responsible for our own salvation and make decisions on what to believe. I thought that was a lot like saying it was OK for me to feed them poison but it was their choice to die.
This was the first time I put serious thought into the fact that I might be in the wrong profession.
Sales for the new Millenium
Sales is a wonderful profession. My job is to convince someone that I have the perfect solution to their problem. But first I must convince them that they have a problem. Can’t keep it up? Then I have Viagra. Losing your hair? Then I have spray on hair in a can . We should conduct sales calls like an AA meeting. We would go around the table introducing ourselves; Hi, my names Bob and I am full of shit. Hi Bob. Etc. At that point we could simply lay the facts out on the table and come to a fair price. After which we would all go eat lunch and play a round of golf. Which is why we got into this damned business in the first place. I would give up my commission if we could drop the pretense.
There have been times in meetings when I wanted to call a time out. Just like in football. During the time out we would share a laugh at the bullshit going around the table. After the time out we would put our game faces on and conduct business in a professional manner. It is hard to keep from laughing. Am I the only one who gets the joke?
Why do we have sales in the first place? All businesses should decide not to use a sales force. If people want your product or service they can come and get it. At which point they would be willing to pay top dollar. Fewer sales but more revenue, now that’s what I am talking about
Pat Robertson
You got’ta love Pat Robertson. He’s the evangelist sporting the “WWJK” Bracelet (Who would Jesus kill?). But it’s not all Pat’s fault. Pat’s just explaining what he reads in the Bible.In the Middle East people are killing each other in the name of Allah, based on the Koran. Look at it from Pat’s point of view. They are saying that their god can whup Pat’s god’s ass. He’s not gon’na sit still for that. He knows that his god is the one true god; omnipotent and omnipresent. Yahweh can take on all false gods and Satan.
And these people are gon’na burn in hell anyway since they aren’t good Christians (i.e. Baptist). It’s not like he is killing the chosen of god; he is merely ridding the earth of a plague. It’s just like you or I hiring an exterminator to rid our house of roaches. Except in this case Pat would like to spray the planet for Muslims and Buddhist and Hindus and Catholics. He’ll cut the Methodist some slack since their only sin is that they don’t like getting all wet and would rather cool off in a spray.
So cut Pat some slack. He’s only telling you the truth as he sees it.
Televangelism
You don’t think that the world is full of humor? Turn on your TV and watch any of the televangelists. For example Pat Robertson wanting to put out a contract on god forsaking foreigners (WWJK – Who Would Jesus Kill?), Oral Roberts telling us to send him our money or god will squash him like a bug (I would prefer a roach motel), Jimmy Swaggart shedding tears because he was caught with a prostitute, Ernest Ansley telling us to put our hands on the TV screen so that we can get the power of god (which can only be given by him, for a fee of course). Or any number of others that want to sell us prayer cloths or bottles of blessed holy water, books to tell us how to build our apocalypse shelters so we don’t get trampled by the horsemen, faith healing, enchanted talismans…. The list goes on and on. Now that’s funny; in a sick pathetic way, but funny none the less. I wish that I believed in hell because there has to be an especial hot corner reserved for these folks. One funny thing about these guys is that they really seem to believe what they are selling. Just like that Trudeau guy selling his book on natural cures that the pharmaceutical companies don’t want us to know about (those bastards). But enough of us believe so that they can all stay in business. Know what would be really funny? Quit sending them money. If god wants them to have Jags and Rolexes then he can shower them with manna from heaven. If I am right, they would pretty soon have to find a real job. I am laughing so hard that I’m crying.
Why do we War?
My mind was on the email that a friend had sent conceptualizing the world’s population from within a group of 100 people. Where 70 people are illiterate, 50 are poor and 99 have no college education. This email really grabbed me by brains balls and made me look at the world in a different light. I would like to find out where he got the info and verify the numbers. But how would you do that, even with Google? In my heart I believe them to be true and so what if they are off by 10%, the concept is still staggering. I have always understood that there was poverty and need but I always viewed it thru my American filters. This puts everything in a different light.Let’s take war for example. We are a country that, for the most part (or contains more people who have the luxury to) can sit around and contemplate its navel and feel self satisfied in doing so. Many countries and people do not have that luxury. Their very existence is based on abject poverty and disease and hunger and need and domination and no sense of purpose and total freaking helplessness and uselessness. These are the kinds of people that if herded together or controlled by some dominant force could see war, brutality and seizure as their only means to survival. They see a world in which others have and they have not. Where all of the carrots are being dangled but none are being offered. Where armed conflict is not seen as simply a method of removing themselves from their situation but a God given right that they have to take from those that do not understand the gifts and generosity and graciousness with which they have been blessed.
Where strapping on bombs and going a-suiciding is seen as the only act of magnanimity that they can perform. Where they are helpless to change any part of their life except thru a weapon. Where killing others is a true calling of God and they hope for their reward in heaven and are damned happy to get there so that they can receive it (or at least get out of this life because the threat of hell is no deterrent when the life you are living is worse than any concept of hell proposed by Man).
As long as these people live like this, we will always have wars and terrorism and brutality (these always sound better in 3’s). But let’s not be stupid about this whole concept. There are people in this country that call for wars. There are groups that make a better living while we are at war. There are people that call for us to turn away from all wars, to turn the other cheek and that if we will only give peace a chance then all will be right with the world. I wish that I had the gift of blind stupidity so that I could allow myself to live within either extreme. Life would be much simpler and would seem to have a purpose. Then I could go thru my life annihilating or being annihilated but do so in a smug sanctimonious manner which would ease my glide into heaven where God would be bound to hug me and console me in a way that the pagan sons of bitches were too blind to see.
War is a horror where we attempt to better train our kids to more effectively kill their kids, while they are training their kids to kill ours. This almost sounds like a corporate mission statement.
However the Idi Amins, Hitlers and Sadam Husseins (got’ta love the 3’s) will not go away on their own nor by the grace of God. These are people that rape, mutilate, torture, kill, and imprison just for funsies, as past times to get thru the day since they don’t have any decent soap operas to watch. If we sit back and allow it to happen then we are no better than they are. If we attempt to stop them by embargo then we are only appeasing our own consciousness that we are doing all we can, while treating them as humans, and hopefully forcing them to stop one day. Bullshit. Every day we allow this to continue we are vicariously doing the atrocities thru them.
People are dying every day in some kind of armed conflict over something. Whether it is food, oil, gas, land, brutality or the sanctity of the individual. This is how our countries have come to be formed. To take what they need by whatever means so that we can survive and through our own grace we will allow your survival to continue.
This is also corporate America, where greed is king. And he who has the most toys) wins. Where people are trampled on and treated like cattle so that other people that invest some of their money can reap benefits and retire like kings. Just so you are not part of the corporation that has taken money from someone else and now it is your ass on the chopping block, not someone else’s. Oh well. Corporations are allowed to run free, gobblin’ up all that they need and much, much more. So that their shareholders can earn a good return? Not really. So that the people involved at the top can make so much money that they can buy small third world countries. In that mythical group of 100 people, 59% of all the wealth would be held by 6 people.
I am neither a Communist nor a Socialist. I am not into giving hand outs to everyone just ‘cause they don’t feel like working or they would rather get a hand out than a hand up. But I don’t think that our modern view of government and industry can continue if we truly want to grow and prosper as a civilization. We have to find some way to think outside the box. As it stands today we are all appalled by the greed of Dictators and CEO’s yet at the same time we are pissed because we are not the ones sitting there making half of all the money in the world. There but for the grace of god.
We have been raised within this social and personal consciousness and all too easily can go along with the status quo; to accept all of this as simple fate and curse God for what has befallen us. Or we can be the agents of change. To be the gadfly of America to constantly pester and annoy so that people will/can re-examine life and what it can be.
About Me
I am a father, I am a son, I am a grandson, I am a brother, I am an uncle, I am a nephew, I am a cousin, and I am a friend. I am nice, I am evil, I am caring, I am inconsiderate, I am loving, I am hateful, I am smart, I am stupid, I am well meaning, I am conniving, I am trustworthy, I am a scoundrel, I am the life of the party, I am a wall flower, I am a leader, I am a follower, I am your best friend, I am your worst enemy, I am there for you, I can never be found, I am close, I am distant, I am warm, I am cold and I am just like you.What makes me, me is that I am aware of these things. I am working on them. Sometimes I make progress, sometimes I don’t; sometimes I just don’t care.
I am ridding my life of clutter and things. I am getting rid of the unnecessary and finding that most things fit in that category. I am looking for Peace and Change within myself before I expect the world to do a damn thing. I am.
I have Faith and I believe that to be an active Verb, not a passive belief.
I am trying. I hope you are too.
The RK'
I have The Home, which is a collection of my Funeral Home stories that everyone has loved listening to. I also have The Stream, which is an outpouring of my obtuse psychobabble.
I need a place where I can just be me; very opinionated and very skewed. It may be funny, it may flop, it may be sad.
Just like real life!
I need a place where I can just be me; very opinionated and very skewed. It may be funny, it may flop, it may be sad.
Just like real life!
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